going underpants shopping? it’s a buyer’s market in Monroe, Ohio.

Monroe, OH just opened an outlet mall.  Cincinnati Premium Outlets.  Stores include Banana Republic, Gap, Kenneth Cole, J Crew.  The usual suspects.  Oh, and there’s a Hanes outlet.  What?  Yeah a Hanes outlet.  You know, Hanes.  They sell underpants and white t-shirts.

In these tough economic times I know that more and more people are picking up the 3 pack of white underwear at Target and saying “these are nice underpants, but man, I sure wish they were cheaper”.  I mean who could afford $9.99 for a 3 pack of white tank tops in this recession brought on by George W. Bush and the Republican party.  Noone!  That’s who.  The tentacles of this recession are long.  They have a strangle hold on retail businesses and aren’t likely to loosen until everyone has health care.  How on earth can Hanes keep Air Jordan on the payroll if no one can afford underpants.  Goddamn Charlie Sheen ain’t free either.

Six months ago the skies opened at Hanes headquarters in North Carolina.  The clouds part, sun shines through, angels sing.  Bill up on the 4th floor had just solved the problem that sent underpant stocks to 10 year lows.  A MOTHERFUCKING OUTLET STORE!!!!!  This is the idea that got Bill a sweet company car and a promotion to Senior Vice-President of Marketing.  Bill changed the game.

Related: Fruit of the Loom has since fired 4 senior executives and is scrambling to come up with a plan of action before the next stock holder meeting at the end of this quarter.

Now with an outlet store in Monroe people can drive from the entire tri-state area for crazy cheap underpants and bras.  Consumers are putting down the 12 pack of white socks at Walmart that retail for $10.99 and driving to Monroe to buy the same 12 pack for $8.99.  Women in Paducah aren’t going to Kohl’s to buy their Hanes Her Way bras.  They’re driving to Monroe.  When I need new ribbed tank tops, where do you think I’ll go?  Oh yeah.  I’m driving to Monroe.  Gonna save money on those tank tops.  Like I always say, I’ll gladly sit in stopped I75 traffic with a screaming baby in the back seat.  I’m happy to circle the parking lot 4 times for a spot.  I’ve got no problem spending 5 hours on a Saturday with overweight, deal hunting, middle aged families and their uncontained kids.  But I’ll see you in hell before I pay $10.99 for a 5 pack of multi-color boxer briefs when I can pay $8.50 at the outlet.

taking off in weather runway 14 srq

landing runway 14 srq

rules of texting

#1  text lingo

Unless you’re a pre-teen female lol and omg should not be part of your texting vocabulary.  Also add omfg, ttyl and brb.  WTF is still very acceptable.

#2 not everyone has unlimited texts so be considerate

Try to convey your message in as few texts as possible.  When I’m hashing Friday night plans to stand in the Shell station parking lot and drink Peach Schnapp’s with fergs until we pass out it’s nice to make those plans efficiently because I only get 200 texts per month.  This rule applies to anyone that’s ever sent a text that only says “k” or “lol” or “thx”.  Your response to these texts should be something like this.

i should’ve been nicer

I have a stereotype about old people who drive cars.  It’s that they don’t drive cars very well.  Anytime someone in front of me is driving slowly, with their left turn signal on I assume they’re old and it makes this little vein in my temple start to pulse just a touch faster than it usually pulses.  I don’t like em.

Last Wednesday I took the baby over to the mall to return shorts to old navy and look for socks at baby gap.  Seems simple.  Baby gap is first, no luck, the socks there wouldn’t stay on efrancine’s feet more than 30 seconds.  I just know these things.  We leave baby gap and it’s pouring.  Really raining.  Trying to cross the street to get to the parking lot was nearly impossible.  It was like frogger.  Only instead of a frog I was pushing a bob stroller.  The steady stream of Volvo SUV’s and Audi station wagons didn’t slow down or break long enough for us to cross the street thus beating our high score and getting into the car where there is no rain.  Did I mention it was raining?  Well it was.  And it was hard too. (that’s what she said) Since there’s so much traffic me and efrancine are gonna have to rely on the kindness of a stranger to stop and let us cross.  Didn’t happen as quickly as I’d liked.  Now I’m really wet. (that’s what she said)  Finally, I just force ourselves out into the roadway, noone’s gonna hit a baby right?  We get to our trustee Subaru and it’s time to transfer the baby from the stroller to the car.  That’s never easy.  You see, she thinks once she gets out of the stroller she’s free.  No more confinement.  Well I took her out of the stroller only to put her in the car-seat that also has buckles and straps to hold her in place.  She arches her back and screams as if I’m kidnapping her.  It would have been easier to buckle a raccoon into the car-seat.  Skipping ahead.  She’s strapped in, I’m in too and we’re off to Old Navy to return the shorts.  (gotta drive on account of the rain)

Pulling out of the parking lot there’s a car in front of me at a stop sign.  I stop behind them.  About 2 cars behind me someone is backing out of their parking space.  Directly to my left in a handicapped parking spot is a 2002 Mercury Grand Marquis.  Person in front of me still stopped.  Person behind me, still behind me.  Directly to my left the Grand Marquis starts to back out.  She’s gotta see me, I’m right here.  I give a friendly toot.  “hey I’m back here don’t hit me”  Still backing out.  A more forceful horn honk.  Maybe 2 Mississippi.  Still coming back.  Now I press on the horn and leave it on, the afore mentioned vein in my head is pulsing harder.  She’s still coming.  I’m still honking, vein really pulsing.  TICKOW.  She hits me.  Oh and she’s real effin old.  Instead of staying in my car for 5 seconds to let the anger subside I think it’s a better idea to get out of the car and verbally assault this very old woman with every pre-conceived notion of how old people drive and that they shouldn’t even be let outdoors.  Only a few seconds passed before this woman was in tears.

What have I done?  Who do I think I am?  Just yelling at someone like that because they accidentally hit my car.  I feel really low down.  In my exchange with this woman she tells me she couldn’t hear my horn cause she doesn’t hear so good.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  My car’s got a dent, it’s still raining, and the baby in back is crying.

Now I’m trying to make up for the showcase of ASSHOLE I just demonstrated.  I ask the woman’s name trying to get her to calm down, I apologize for being so rude and insensitive and she starts talking about how she’s at the mall buying a dress for a funeral because her friend just died.  I’m feeling worse each second that passes.  We exchange information and she says she’ll call State Farm as soon as she gets home.  She’s still upset and I’m still an asshole.  Nothing can change that now.  I offered to buy her a cup of coffee maybe to help her nerves.  She told me she’d just sit there awhile before driving home.  I apologize again for my behavior, get in the car and head home.  I was expecting karma to strike me with lightning but I made it home ok.

The trip to Old Navy was cancelled at the last minute making it impossible to return the very shorts I set out to return in the first place.

“i’ll talk to your momma outside”

Alright, what’s everyone think of this guy?  Personally, I think he overreacted.  Read the police report.  Apparently they were called to his house for a potential burglary and Henry Gates goes ape shit.  Instead of screaming at them and calling them racist I would have thanked them for checking up on the house and proved to them that I lived there.  Would have been very simple but this guy went crazy.  Hey Henry, your neighbor called the police so they’ve got to respond.  RELAX.

Most people would agree you don’t yell at police officers unless you want to get into trouble.  A lot of cops are assholes but they ALWAYS win so if you’re an asshole back to a cop they’ll find a reason to take you to jail.  What do you think disorderly conduct is?  It’s whatever they want it to be.  It sucks but that’s life.  Don’t be a jerk to cops or they’ll ruin your day fo sho.  What troubles me is that he immediately thought they were at his house because he was black.  Again,  YOUR NEIGHBOR CALLED THE POLICE, THEY HAVE TO COME INVESTIGATE.  Henry should realize that some cops are just dickheads and they’re dickheads to white people, black people, Hispanic people, and Asian people.

Next time, just be nice and do what they tell you.  If they still take you to jail then scream racism, contact Al Sharpton, and sue everybody.

Henry Gates police report

facebook

OK, I’ve got some problems with facebook.  Yeah that’s right, facebook.  It’s blurred the lines of common and socially acceptable behavior and I don’t like it.  I’m on facebook and not ready to quit, but I am ready to bitch about it.  Yeah, I upload photos of myself and my family.  Yeah, I’ve spent time looking up people I used to know.  So yeah I get it.  I’m part of the problem, I accept that.  What I can’t accept is that I get a friend request from someone I barely knew in high school.  Or someone that works in the same building that I may have said hello to once.  Where in real life could you look someone up that you might have spoken to three times during high school, track them down, and ask if they want to be friends.

“Hey I’m krs, used to sit four rows behind you in science class.  Never really spoke to you.  Don’t even think you knew my name.  Well here we are 10 years later.  Do you want to be friends?”

Question:  Who does that?

Answer:  Thousands of people on facebook do it everyday and it’s disturbing.

Once you become friends with someone you think you remember from 10 years ago what happens next?  The craziness doesn’t end with a simple friend request.  After you’re “friends” with this person things really get weird.  They’ll send you a make believe rum and coke that you can pretend drink.  Fuck sake.  Then they send you a request to become a fan of something.  Or be against something.  Or you can plant an imaginary tree to save the earth.  Or plant an entire garden of pretend herbs and vegetables.

“krs is against cancer, do you want to join the fight against cancer?”

Question:  Why do you have to tell people that you’re against cancer?

Answer: Because it’s facebook.

So yeah, I don’t like it but there’s just not much I can do about it.  If you send me a friend request and I know who you are I’ll probably accept.  Just don’t expect me to send you make believe drinks, or pretend hugs, or partake in your not real mafia.  Also beware that I’ve linked my twitter account to facebook.  When I tweet all former acquaintances who now want to be friends will have to read my tweets.  Be warned.  Friend me and you’ll have to read my twitter feed and you might not care that I’m taking the trash out, going to work, leaving work, or being arrested for public intoxication at the children’s museum that one Tuesday last May.

There you have it.  Facebook sucks.  Look it up on the internet.  Afterwards go have a pretend rum and coke, whilst sitting in your imaginary herb garden, just across from your make believe tree farm that’s saving the earth.  Meanwhile, I’ll be “becoming a fan” of asking people who I barely know to be my friend.

haircut

So I go into Supercuts last weekend and this gay guy cuts my hair. It didn’t take me long to feel bad for him.  Supercuts for a gay guy must be like prison, it’s not fabulous at all. Furthermore the customers, like me, will most likely be less than fabulous. You could tell he wasn’t happy with his life. Just had no luster, no twinkle. As if supercuts had sucked all the dazzle from his being. This guy wasn’t even fit, more chubby than just unfit, which is very contrary to gay rule #3 (you must work out at least 5 times a week.) So I’m just sitting here worrying about that guy at Supercuts. I’d say a prayer but I’m fairly certain God wouldn’t listen to this one. (he doesn’t like gay paople) At least that’s what the signs said at that rally I went to over the weekend.

PS: It was a good haircut so hopefully some day he can lose the weight, dust the Supercuts off of himself and work at a proper salon.

Look, I’m not going to raise taxes. In fact 95% of Americans will get a tax cut.

On February 4th, President Obama signed SCHIP legislation which provides for an expansion of health care, the cost of which is to be paid for in part by increased federal tobacco taxes.  In short, all tobacco products will increase in price on April 1, 2009.  These are the anticipated increases.

Cigarettes .65 cents per pack

Moist snuff .15 cents per can

Chewing tobacco .10 cents per pouch

Pipe tobacco $3.00 per pound

Roll your own cigarette tobacco $25.00 per pound or $1.50 per 3/4 oz pouch

Small cigars .05 to .10 cents each

Large cigars $1.00 each

Locally, State Rep. Tyrone Yates is proposing a tax hike of 55% on cigars, chewing tobacco, and other tobacco products.  This would be in addition to the federal tax increase that will take effect April 1, 2009.  Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland apposes this “sin” tax saying he doesn’t believe tax increases would be productive during a recession.

I agree with Gov. Strickland, raising taxes in this climate is not productive.