So I see this commercial on TV, in the commercial there’s a middle aged woman with stringy hair wearing very little make up even though she should be wearing make up. She’s really sad and judging by the background music and her solemn tone, this is a serious commercial about serious things. Well the commercial is about something serious. Something very serious. Global warming. Polar bears dying. Ice melting. It’s horrible. After watching this commercial I’m ready to sell both cars, and the house, move to Eugene Oregon to live in a tent in the middle of an old growth forest only emerging to protest loggers or to buy hummus. Ok back to the commercial, the woman goes on to say that the entire polar bear population will be gone in our children’s lifetime.
Now I’m not sure where those facts come from or what the facts are. It’s hard to tell because there are so many different studies done by different scientists that have completely different results. Those to the far right would have you believe there’s no such thing as global warming. It’s made up. They’ll tell you that 11 of the 13 polar bear populations in Alaska are stable or increasing in number. They’ll tell you there’s no threat to the polar bear’s existence. They’ll say polar bears are so abundant you can’t even drive in most Alaskan cities because of hundreds of polar bears just milling about in the streets. Is that all right? If it is then why are there commercials being made, because they’re scaring the beegeebers outta me. You could just as easily read what the far left has to say. They’ll leave you with this picture. A mom polar bear and a baby polar bear floating along on a block of ice that’s slowly melting. (It’s slowly melting because people like me keep their home air conditioners set at 72 degrees) Ok back to the melting block of ice. The mom polar bear is struggling to keep the baby polar bear on the ice with her. Still the ice melts. She and the baby are also very hungry because they can’t eat. All the fish are dead, global warming killed them. The baby polar bear finally slips off the block of ice and just as the mother decides to go after the baby and perhaps swim to a new block of ice that’ll surely melt, it happens. BANG!@% It’s Dick Cheney and Jeroen van der Veer, they’ve got guns and they’ve just blown the head off of the mommy polar bear. Apparently it’s their weekly trip to Alaska to shoot polar bears and baby seals. That goddamn Dick Cheney if he isn’t creating a war to drum up business for Halliburton he’s out shooting baby seals and polar bears. I heard he also steals Christmas presents from orphanages, OOOOOOOOOOH I hate em.
Where’s the truth? Will the polar bears all die any day now? Will their numbers increase? I’m not sure what I believe. What if all the polar bears die. I’m wondering how my life will change. I wonder if I’ll say things like “things were different back when we had polar bears” I’ve never said anything like that before in reference to other extinct animals. It doesn’t bother me that we no longer have dinosaurs. I think the fact dinosaurs are extinct benefits us. It makes it easier to sit out on the deck at night. Can you imagine sitting on the deck with a cigar and glass of whiskey when a fucking tyrannosaurus rex bursts through the privacy fence and bites your head off. Fuck that I’m glad they’re extinct. The same could happen with polar bears. What if the polar bears keep reproducing and they somehow make it to southern Ohio. I don’t want to have to worry about a polar bear encounter whilst I’m mowing the effing lawn.
Maybe it’s ok if they all die. That’s it, I’ve just made up my mind. I’m not moving to Eugene Oregon. I’m not selling the house or car and there’s no way in hell I’m gonna start a steady diet of hummus, organic breads, and oatmeal. Don’t get me wrong I’ll do what I can for the environment, but if this lady in the polar bear commercial thinks she’s gonna really convince me that the polar bears dying will be the worst thing that could possibly happen well she’s crazy. I say do what you can for mother earth. But, you know what, fuck the polar bears, they’ve never really done anything for anybody anyway.