Look, I’m not going to raise taxes. In fact 95% of Americans will get a tax cut.

On February 4th, President Obama signed SCHIP legislation which provides for an expansion of health care, the cost of which is to be paid for in part by increased federal tobacco taxes.  In short, all tobacco products will increase in price on April 1, 2009.  These are the anticipated increases.

Cigarettes .65 cents per pack

Moist snuff .15 cents per can

Chewing tobacco .10 cents per pouch

Pipe tobacco $3.00 per pound

Roll your own cigarette tobacco $25.00 per pound or $1.50 per 3/4 oz pouch

Small cigars .05 to .10 cents each

Large cigars $1.00 each

Locally, State Rep. Tyrone Yates is proposing a tax hike of 55% on cigars, chewing tobacco, and other tobacco products.  This would be in addition to the federal tax increase that will take effect April 1, 2009.  Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland apposes this “sin” tax saying he doesn’t believe tax increases would be productive during a recession.

I agree with Gov. Strickland, raising taxes in this climate is not productive.

Who do you think you are?

You’re at the grocery store.  You’ve got lots of groceries on the belt.  There’s no bagger.  Oh, and there’s lot’s of people behind you in line.  The cashier’s bagging your groceries as quickly as she can, it’s taking forever.  Instead of helping bag your own groceries you stand and watch her.  Hey douche bag, lend a hand you’re holding people up.

It’s ok to like W. Barack says so.

A George W. Bush supporter overwhelmed with emotion

George W. Bush started off this week with an approval rating of 34%, by Friday evening it had climbed to nearly 50%.  Saturday afternoon Gallup pole found an approval rating of nearly 70%.  Doubled in just one week.  This all comes after a Barack Obama interview with CNN’s John King on Friday.  Obama said Friday that he “always thought Bush was a good guy.”  “I mean, I think personally he is a good man who loves his family and loves his country,” Obama said later in the interview.  Obama also went on to say he thought Bush made “the best decisions that he could at times under some very difficult circumstances.”

Since the interview, Bush’s approval rating has more than doubled.  People across the United States spent their Saturday mornings scraping the clever anti-Bush bumper stickers from their Priuses.(is that the plural of prius, or is it prii?)  Urban Outfitters has reportedly ordered a shipment of pro-Bush indie t’s and there are even rumors of an ABC news story in the works that would portray the president in a positive light.  President Bush is even considering a redo on his farewell address given Thursday evening.  After Friday’s interview with Obama and the change in public support as a result of the Messiah’s kind words in that interview the Bush administration is now scouting out venues for a proper farewell address.  The new farewell address scheduled for prime time Monday evening is rumored to be held at Fed Ex field.  The Secret Service is expecting a near capacity crowd of 91,000 people.  Ambulances will be standing by for men and women that may faint when President Bush takes the stage.

It took me 3 hours to do what?

One of my goals for the first few weeks of the new year was to investigate refinancing my home loan.  Right now we have an interest rate of 5.75% so as rates continue to go down I thought I should see if I can’t get a loan around 4%.  Good idea right?  Ok, here it goes.  I put the baby down for her nap at 1320, she usually sleeps for three hours each afternoon.  I’ve got plenty of time to call citimortgage (who my current home loan is with) and start the process of determining whether a refinance is a good option for me.  At 1330 I place the call.  The first step is entering information for an automated voice.  After entering all necessary information the computer lady’s voice says she’s transferring me to a mortgage consultant and that my call would be answered in the order in which it was received.  I hear a ring, then the computerized voice.  “Your call will be answered in the order it was received, thank you, someone will be with you shortly”.  I’m thinking this may be awhile.  Put the phone on speaker, clip it to my hip, and away I go to be productive.  First stop, the kitchen.  I unload the dishwasher and clean the entire kitchen.

“Thank you for calling, your call will be answered in the order it was received”.

Next up is the bedroom.  Gotta make the bed because if my wife comes home from work and the bed isn’t made there’s going to be trouble.  Straigten up the bedroom and bathroom, listen to Bill Cunningham, and make a pile of dirty clothes.  Done and done.  Now I head to the office to check my email and some other things on the computer.

“Thank you for calling, your call will be answered in the order it was received”.

I’m hungry.  Better eat a hotdog.  Went back downstairs, fixed a hotdog and watched an episode of The Office.

“Thank you for calling, your call will be answered in the order it was received”.

Hey, I haven’t read this month’s Wired.  Better go into the living room and get some magazine reading done.  Done and done.

“Thank you for calling, your call will be answered in the order it was received”.

You get the picture, this goes on for the duration of naptime.  I just knew a loan officer would come to the phone just as soon as the baby starts screaming.  Finally 3 hours into the call someone answers and the baby’s not awake yet.  All is not lost.  Everything’s fine.  I’ll get to at least get the ball rolling.

“Thank you for holding, my name is Loranda, I’m going to place you on hold for just a minute”.

What!  Is Loranda just fucking with me because she’s seen that I was on hold for 3 hours already.  Nope, Loranda’s not fucking around.  She puts me back on hold.  There’s a blood vessel in the side of my head that’s starting to swell up.  It’s ok though, Loranda came right back.  Maybe she just had to get a drink of water or something.  OK.  I’m not on hold anymore and this gal’s gonna help me out, I just know it.  Loranda asks my name.  I tell her.  My address.  I tell her.  My account number.  I tell her.  My daytime phone number.  I tell her.  Alright, now we’re getting somewhere.  Any minute now she’s going to say “and how can I help you today Mr. KRS.”  The baby still hasn’t woken up.  This is brilliant, what a lucky day.  What Loranda says next makes the afore mentioned blood vessel nearly burst.

“Thank you for calling citimortgage Mr. KRS a mortgage specialist will call you back within 72 hours”.

HOLY FUCK!  Ok now me and my girl Loranda are in a fight.  I’m furious.

“I’ve been on hold for 3 hours for you to take my phone number and tell me someone will call me back in 3 fucking days”.

“yes sir”

“No that won’t do, the recording said I would be transfered to a mortgage specialist and I’d like to talk to one right now”.

“Sir I have your information and someone will be getting back with you in 72 hours”.

I’ve spent all afternoon on hold with this shit company who has probably laid off thousands of mortgage consultants so that I’m stuck talking to $7 an hour Loranda.  I keep repeating “you’ve kept me on hold for 3 hours to tell me you’ll have someone call me back in 3 days”?  That’s the only thing I could think of and this girl didn’t care what I said.  I know it’s not Loranda’s fault, it’s just crap business practice.  With all happening in this industry I feel they should be talking to me.  I’m not some hump that bought a house he couldn’t afford.  I wasn’t calling to tell them I want to renegotiate the terms of my loan because I can’t afford the payments.  I’ve never missed a payment and pay $600 per month additional principle on my loan.  I feel like I’m a good customer who was treated like shite.  Out of all the automated voice messages I heard during these 3 hours none of them mentioned that I would not be talking to a mortgage person at the end of my wait.  I thought that’s what I was waiting on.  End result.  I’m furious.

New goal?  Finding someone other than citimortgage to refinance with.  Fuck em!

Oh and by the way, whilst on hold at citimortgage they don’t even have any hold music for you to listen to.  If they’re going to keep people on hold all god damn day just to fuck em in the end, the least they could do is play some effin muzaked Billy Joel.

if you think tangerines are better than clementines, i’ll fight you.

Well, my friends I’m sad to say that clementine season is over.  Most groceries have started marking down the box price of clementines.  This usually means one thing.  They’re not fit to eat.  The clementine has, for years, been the “Mackinaw peach” of the citrus world.  Once they’re ripe, buy them and eat them because they’ll soon be shit.  Typical season for California clementines will run from mid-November through January but there are only a few weeks starting in late-November to mid-December that the fruit is just wondrous.  An explosion of tasty goodness in every last bite.  A clementine, purchased at the right time tastes just like heaven would taste.  If heaven were an oblate, medium-sized citrus fruit with a deep orange colour, smooth, glossy skin and could separate into eight to fourteen juicy segments.  A clementine, purchased before or after it’s peak isn’t worth eating.  Throw them out.  Usually if they’re on sale, they’re too old to buy.  A clementine is something you definitely want to pay full price for.  I know people will tell you that the economy is bad, and that the average person can’t afford the price of a box of  “in season” clementines because of George W. Bush and his failed policies.  Don’t listen to them.  Clementines marked down are a waste of money.  Clementines full price, at their peak juiciness are an investment.  An investment in goodness.

People will also tell you that a clementine is just a tangerine.  I strongly urge you to avoid getting into a fruit debate with these people because they’re insane.  Tangerines have seeds, aren’t as sweet, and are harder to peel than clementines.  Also they taste like shit.  I would even say that a tangerine is a poor man’s clementine.  If this post has put your taste buds in the mood for a clementine, you’ll have to wait until next Thanksgiving.  Don’t buy them now because you won’t get the true essence of the fruit.  And for fuck sake whatever you do, please don’t buy an effin tangerine!

Ruining it for the rest of us.

Ok so I’m a hack.  I copied the title of this post directly from This American Life #370.  Yesterday morning I got a tweet from a friend of mine saying he’d just listened to an episode of This American Life that essentially described everyone he works with.  Since I work with this guy I was eager to check it out.  The title of This American Life #370 is pretty self explanatory, in this edition they have several stories of how a small group of people or a single person can ruin things for everyone else.  I thought about how it applies to my life, both at work and in the outside world.

At my job on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays you can dress casually.  By casual I mean jeans, sweatshirt.  You know, casual.  Unfortunately, there was a group of people in my office that on weekends their casual dress was typically sweatpants, an over sized t-shirt, and flip flops.  Think of what most people wear to sleep.  This is what some of my coworkers where to work on casual days.  That’s right, pajamas.  Some of them would even walk around with just their socks on.  No shoes.  You’re thinking, what the fuck.  Yeah it was that bad.  Well, early one Saturday morning the president of the company brought a tour group of college students through the office.  Weeks later casual dress was outlined very specifically in the employee handbook.  Collared shirts are now required on casual days.  Now because some idiot employees think pajamas are appropriate for casual day I can’t wear jeans and a sweater.  I’ve gotta have a collared shirt under that sweater.

Another policy change at my job has to do with vacation and sick time.  It’s complicated but with the new changes they make it very difficult to take paid sick time.  You’ve pretty much gotta have a note from the surgeon general to take off sick.  To use FMLA is nearly impossible to do.  Why?  Because a huge group of the workforce would use FMLA for a common cold.  FMLA protects you from discipline action by your employer so employees figured why call in sick when you can call in FMLA without recourse.  I’ve never used FMLA but if I ever do it’s going to be a pain in my arse because of people who abuse the system.

Here’s what’s upsetting.  There’s nothing you can do about these people, they’re always going to ruin things for everyone else.  At work, outside work there’s always going to be a minority that ruins things for the majority.  If I have two pints of Guinness and drive home I could probably get arrested because someone before me drank two pints of whiskey, killed a bus load of kids and now the legal limit for blood alcohol is .08.  Bullshit.  Just because someone’s kid died I can’t enjoy a couple beers then drive home?  WTF.  Just because some hump thought it wise to stick bombs in his shoes I’ve gotta take off my shoes every flippin time I go to the airport.  Because someone got cancer from second hand smoke, I can’t smoke a cigarette in a bar.  Because some glaciers melted and a few polar bears have died, I can’t use aerosol deodorant.  It’ll never end.  There’s always going to be some douche out there that’s going to ruin something for you.  Sometimes the douche that ruins it for you is a polar bear or a glacier.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Salt shortage? I’ll bet W. has something to do with this.

I saw on the news that there’s a road salt shortage.  We just had snow here in river city and all we heard about was how there’s not enough salt.  Full on panic for a dusting of snow.  So I’ve been thinking, how can we be running out of salt.  The only logical explaination is that George W. Bush and the big salt companies are drumming up the prices for their own profits.  Just as W. did with his big oil cronies.  It’s Bush’s last way to screw the public.  We’ll go through half the winter with a salt shortage.  Don’t worry though.  I expect shortly after Barack Obama takes office all major roads will be heated.

Holiday shopping, makes me wanna puke.

I’m a huge fan of Christmas, I absolutely love it.  Christmas shopping, however I do not like.  It’s just the crowds.  That’s it.  Everything else is just fine.  I had my first near meltdown of the holiday season this past Saturday.  I’m at Kenwood Towne Center, just north of Cincinnati, OH and it’s fucking packed.  Anyone that thinks the economy is bad needs to go to Kenwood Mall and try to find a parking place.  Then tell me the economy’s bad.  If you think the economy’s bad go to the Apple store and try to buy an iPhone.  You’ll have to wait in line.  Yeah, you’ll have to wait in line to buy a $300 phone.  Ok I digress.  This story is really about parking.  Back to parking.  I dropped my wife and baby off at the front door because it was cold and just all around shit weather.  I thought from there, life would be fairly simple.  I’m not looking for a close spot.  I’m don’t care to park in the last spot in the lot.  As I’m driving around I see someone backing out.  Awesome.  I’m gonna get a parking spot sooner than expected.  I pull up, turn on my blinker, as is protocol in this situation.  The guy drives away and just as I’m pulling up to my spot.  A GOD DAMN YUPPIE pulls right into my parking space.  Now the laws of society clearly award this parking spot to me but this Dodge Caravan mother fucker thinks the rules of society don’t apply to him.  He pulls right in front of me.  I’m struck dumb.  The only thing I can do is mouth the words “what the fuck” to his blonde wife as they’re pulling into my spot.  I think for a second, ” I should just run right into his car.”  The moment passes and my anger with this family quickly goes away.  Now I’m just thinking that this guy doesn’t abide by society’s rules and now his offspring are learning early that it’s ok just to steal someone else’s parking spot.  Those two yuppie kids, I call them Reagan and Braden (or something close to that) wll some day be taking a parking spot from my little girl.  It’s a vicious cycle.

The Comet

Comet 4579 Hamilton Ave.  Northside

If you find yourself in Northside, go to The Comet.  This is a super cool bar that boasts an awesome beer selection, ginormous burritos, local art on the walls, the best jukebox in town, and tons of tattooed girls.  Be sure to catch the Comet Bluegrass All stars on Sunday nights.  Or stop by for happy hour on a Friday.  Order a can of Pabst, a burrito and play some George Jones on the jukebox.

The Comet clientele is usually a pretty good crowd.  The douche bag level is almost always very low.  You may, on a rare occasion, see douche bags at The Comet but don’t worry they won’t stay long.  The lack of a cover charge confuses them from the start and upon entering The Comet a douche bag will almost immediately feel uncomfortable when they notice the absence of other douche bags.

The Comet is krstype recommended bar, so go there.